Hello everyone! I am sorry I have not been posting. I have had a pretty rough few weeks with this break up that I have been telling you all about. I admire anyone who has gone through such heartache. I have been through a few of course, however, I was always relieved to be out of the relationship. This one is different. I wish I hated him because that would be easier, but I do not.

However, I will say this has opened my eyes on a lot of things in my life and who I am becoming. Granted, I take responsibility in how my behavior was when it came to my anxiety and I am a bit of a control freak. I deeply apologized to him for that. I am seeing the therapist I found a few weeks ago so I see her every week which is fabulous. I have been learning a lot about myself. Here I am 35 years old and I am discovering new things about myself. I pour my whole heart and soul into a relationship because that is how I would want to be treated. I care too much probably, but I have to keep asking myself…who is taking care of YOU?? I am not even taking care of myself. I haven’t really in years because I have been focused on everyone else that I care about in my life. My inner child is now starting to come out from her hiding spot in my heart and she is trying to speak to me. Trying to comfort me in this time of sadness. She has always been there, but I never paid any attention to her. Always trying to satisfy other people and make them happy. Again…who is making YOU satisfied and happy? I want you guys to ask yourselves these questions. It really has made me think about my path in this life.

I have been writing in my journal at least twice a day to process these feelings. One entry will be like I am on top of the world and excited to be single and be able to do whatever I want. The other entries are sad and feeling so lost and depressed that I lost all the promises we made together and the future we were planning on building together. Like you are back to square one! Like I said being 35 years old, I definitely don’t like going backwards, you would want to be going forward right? It was a hard hit to the heart and soul for sure. I am improving but I still have those moments of sadness. No amount of funny movies or Golden Girls I can watch that will keep me happy through those times. I have realized that we would never have worked out and I have been finding out some more sad secrets he has been revealing. No cheating from my knowledge if that is what you guys are thinking although, I have no idea and I think at this point, I don’t really WANT to know. It is over and done with and I am tired of thinking and over analyzing this. I want to be happy and move forward.

I started my spring college semester classes so that will sort of help me but now it is really hard to focus or concentrate at home where I see our memories everywhere. I wish I could move, but I do not have that luxury at this time. I had to take down literally every picture or memory we had or shared together and I put it all in a box. Kind of seems like he died and you are grieving this person which in a way you are. Grieving about the life you were planning together and all the love and happiness you had. Gone. Having a great supporter in your life. Gone. I don’t have the heart to throw the box away, but I couldn’t stand seeing his face and the happiness caught in those perfect moments in the pictures. I see emotional trauma, even when I talk to people. I have trauma from other relationships, but he had a narcissistic personality. I was walking on eggshells for so long and it just kept getting worse. I am sure whoever is reading this has been through that. I am working on an article focusing on narcissistic behaviors so look out for that because I will be explaining about all that toxic business and tips on how to identify traits and what to do.

If I can help anyone else who is suffering through a toxic relationship like that then my mission has been accomplished. I have studied Psychology and how people behave in relationships so I am planning on writing articles about different types of toxic behaviors and how to save yourself and your sanity. They could be from work, a friend, or even living with them. I know it is hard, believe me, I know all about this! Working at places that are toxic or having a parent that is toxic…I am right there with you and you are not alone! Those are going to be my famous words in my blogs, but it is so true! A lot of people shut down and don’t want to be judged because of their emotions or feelings or maybe they feel like they are alone or different feeling this way, but it is definitely not true!

I have a lot of my friends coming at me with their personal problems and they keep asking me what they should do? Or what would I do? I do have the answers because of my experiences and knowledge however, I don’t listen to my own advice. Anyways, I am getting off topic. I am going to end this and I am sorry if this is all over the place but I just wanted to reach out and update you guys. I have a goal at trying to blog more, at least a few times a week. It all depends on my schedule for my schoolwork and all that jazz. I have not forgotten about you guys and please look out for more articles/blogs coming soon!! I hope you all are having a great week and remember, we are all in this together! Talk to you guys soon!