I feel this sense of wrongness, this sense of fright. I feel sad and not myself. I look at my pale white skin and all my imperfections. My scars bring me a rush of memories in my mind of how I got them. When I am looking, I see a dark sinister creature behind me. The creature is silent, but its force is powerful and welcoming. However, I feel its pain and anger. What does it want from me? It makes me have goosebumps rise on my arms and neck where I can feel it approaching.  

What can I do to get rid of this creature? Or do I want it to take me? It creeps on me, making me numb to move or do anything to repel it. I feel tears streaming down my face being in this numbess feeling and knowing that this is dangerous but have no control. I start getting flashbacks in my life and all the people that done me wrong and how much I wanted them to pay for what they have done to me and where they get off for free. This creature is showing me that it can make my dreams come true. But…are these its dreams, or mine? I just want peace and maybe this is the path although, my therapist and every fiber of my being is telling me the opposite.  

The creature feels warm as I can feel it from behind, gently touching my forearms, asking for permission to enter my body and mind. Comfort I could never seem to find in anyone else. Not romantically, but in a sense of security and safety. Also, I feel power, a lot of power. It is strong and it is so tempting to give in because I want to be powerful! I want everything it offers to me. This feels wrong and everything I believe in. I was always taught to believe in a higher power and do right but look at where it has got me. Trauma that I can’t comprehend or heal, lack of trust from partners that have lied and cheated, and if there was a higher power, why isn’t he helping me right now? 

I feel like I am a good person. I have been a hard worker all my life. Yes, no one is perfect, but I strived to always be a good person, friend, lover. Feeling like I am never good enough or having so much self-doubt takes a toll. The creature must know my thoughts because I can feel it trying to turn my thoughts into anger. Feeding off my self-doubt and loneliness. I am so scared and curious about it. Is this like a possession thing where it will enter inside me and do what it wants to then it will kill me afterwards? Of course, it will tell me anything I would want to hear so I can’t even trust this creature either. I stop what I am thinking, and I just stare at myself in the mirror again. I see beauty…I see improvements. I think about the wonderful life I have had and want to continue to have. I don’t want to give up or give in to this wrongfulness. Even if there is no higher power that is with me right now, I am here! It is ME that I need to trust and find comfort and safety.  

The creature was starting to feel angrier and more impatient and the feeling started moving up my arms, spine, and neck. I could tell his welcome was over and now I am starting to realize this was all for it and not me. I have to get out of this and save myself again. My whole body is hurting, especially my heart, knowing that I was willing to throw it all away for just revenge and hatred. My heart is breaking, and I close my tear-filled eyes, and I imagine the sun. I always loved how the warm sun would feel on my exposed skin no matter where I was. I can feel the warm sensation that the creature is giving me and imagine it is the sun radiating off of me. Making me feel happy and that too brings me comfort. I am finding out that maybe I don’t need comfort from other people but finding comfort in other things in my life.  

I picture myself on this beach and the sky is as blue as can be with the most gorgeous sun. I am barefoot walking in the sand, and I can feel the little, tiny sand pebbles surrounding my toes and feet. It is warm at first then the more I sink in, I feel coolness. I am looking out into the ocean and hearing the loud, yet calming waves come into the beach hitting my feet and lower legs. I feel at peace and knowing that I will be ok and how much I am grateful for myself and who I am. Yes, I do have my trauma, but that can be treated, and I can learn from it. However, from what the creature is offering me is not a solution, but a regret and it will not bring me happiness that I deserve.  

I am still on that beach, and I turn around and I see everyone that has supported me in my entire life. They are all there, waiting for me to come to them and support me like they have always done. Sure, I may have lost touch with some of them but that doesn’t mean I can’t reconnect with them or even make my support group even bigger by meeting more people. I can do this, and it will take time but that is what needs to happen. I look through the sea of faces and then I start seeing disappointing faces. Faces that look sinister and disapproving. The sun hides away from storm clouds that are forming quickly, and the ocean waves are coming in tough and too strong, almost knocking me down and pulling me into the abyss. It makes my heart drop immediately then I start seeing that same creature in the background. It is trying to change my way of thinking.  I know these people would not think that way of me, I cannot believe it to be true. It is feeding into my insecurities to get me once and for all.  

I immediately shake my head and bring me back into the moment in front of the mirror. I see the creature and it is looking straight at me. I have such fear, but I suddenly can move, and I do what must be done. I need to smash this mirror. Destroy it and get rid of this feeling once and for all. I don’t see anything around me so the only thing I can do is to sacrifice myself. It is only me that can defeat this demon creature for myself. I take my hand, make a fist, and I got straight in the center of the mirror and shatter it with my fist. The pieces of glass shattered and exploded everywhere! I immediately felt pain in my hand, but I have never felt such freedom! I look at what is left of the mirror and see nothing but fragments of myself. I turn around and there is no creature. I only feel myself now and I feel the best I have felt in years. Tears were still falling from my eyes, but they were joyful. Tears of laughter and love that I now can embrace and celebrate. I look at my hand and see bits and pieces of glass in my skin and blood, however, this means that I am still alive and that I saved myself. I have proven to myself that I am worthy and loved no matter what. This is a new beginning!  

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